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There are times, it’s uncomfortable to admit to what I want. Sometimes I feel like it will feel like too much for people, or I am going to be told I can’t have it, or worse that wanting it is wrong. Having what we want begins with knowing what we really want.
There have been evenings, where I felt an aching, a longing, but it’s like an itch that can’t quite be reached. I know it’s time for dinner, but nothing sounds good, or I’ll flip channels on the TV and end up watching something that bores me so much I suddenly realize, that I am looking at my phone and don’t even remember what the characters are talking about. Often the thing that comes to mind first, what I think I want, isn’t actuality the thing, that I ultimately desire.
Society tells us to think men are simple creatures that just go for what they want, and for the most part our desire is simple. Yet, very often, after having it, we still feel a vague sense of incompleteness. Do you ever feel that?
Advertisers, have become experts at exploiting this. They use enticing pictures, sexy women, and images of ideal men plucked from their demographic research departments, to get us to try this beer, own this car, get this cool watch, with the smooth black finish and comfortable wrist band.
But, I notice sometimes, no matter how appealing the thing seems on the surface, after I get it, I still feel this vague sense of dissatisfaction. I am confused, by my own impulses. Why did I think I needed this thing? I am not really feeling what I thought I would. Other times, I think what I want is out of reach, that it’s too expensive, or I just ignore the voice in my head and regret it later.
Why is it that the simple act of riding my bicycle to the top of the local trail is so satisfying? I notice that the cool crisp taste of a cheap cold Corona, tastes perfect at the top of that hill. You would think I would want that 12 year old scotch, and a cigar. The reality is, men are fed the ideals of what we are supposed to want, and not taught the deeper skills of knowing what will satisfy our needs. The Rolling Stones wrote a song about it. “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need.” or another great one, “ I can’t get no, satisfaction. Well I try and I try….. ‘
There are social barriers and some shame that gets in the way, but often, we as men don’t really know the deeper core desires that live beyond what we are fed, and told we “should” want. Conversely, we are taught not trust our desire, or how to ask for, and get it. We think it’s too much, or too dangerous, or that good guys, don’t do that.
Knowing what I want can be more complicated than I like to admit. But asking for it, or seeking it out, can feel even more of a challenge, and edgy, especially if it’s sexual. The truth is, women know it, they can feel our desire even if we don’t admit it. Hiding it and doing verbal gymnastics to make it appear safe to them, does not help.
Self knowledge is power. Defining for ourselves what we want, with clarity of purpose, and recognition of the way it feels in our body is essential to finding it. Creating clarity comes from learning to know our bodies, understanding and decoding all the sensations and recognizing what they mean. Learning about what we need in order to feel vital, is a critical skill. The art of discernment, can help us weed through the advertising noise, and the standards and limitations of social conventions, to that place where we feel nourished.“Gut wisdom”, it’s called.
The martial art of desire, of self knowledge, discernment, is not that difficult really, but we aren’t trained for it in our culture. I have learned the super powers of discernment, clarity of purpose, and owning my desire. I recognize my core desire now, and can articulate it to my friends, colleagues at work, and the women in my life.
I want you to have access to yours, to tap into your own unique needs and wants. I am at the point in my life, where I’ve learned to read the signs, to take the time to feel, recognize, and approve of my core desires. It’s taken clear intention, self awareness, and a willingness to be seen without fear of judgement.
Now you can too! book an exploratory call with me.
Get some for yourself….. you deserve it.